Today is president's day and a lot of people have a day off from work. Thus, I thought that I would have a lot of people to hang out with today, but apparently no one is available.
I am so bored out of my mind, it is ridiculous. I did some more job searching, yet nothing seems to interest me or get me motivated enough to apply. I know I should not be picky/choosy about jobs at this point but I really don't want to get stuck with another job that I will hate/want to quit asap/have to drag myself out of bed for every morning.
At this point I have no idea where I want my life to go and how the hell I'm supposed to get it there. Everything is so uncertain in my life right now and I hate, hate HATE uncertainty. I also feel like I've lost interest in so many things. I want to paint, but have no inspiration/ideas of what to paint. I received an amazing stationary set for my birthday with really cool pens, but sadly realized I have no one to write to. I want to go out for some coffee and to catch up/chat with a friend but have no friends available today. I want to go shopping since that used to always make me happy, but have nothing that I really need to buy and think it's best to save my money to pay my insurance bill instead. I want to go watch a movie but again, have no one to watch one with. I want to travel somewhere warm and exotic but have no money for that and no one to go with. I want to see Jeremy everyday, but he's busy with grad school and my parents make that difficult.
I feel like I have no potential for anything. I thought I could apply for nursing programs, but am doubting that I could do it. I thought I could apply for Teacher Certification programs, but am also doubting my ability for that. Years ago, back in HS, I could also look around at my circle of friends and see the great potential in all of them - know that they'd graduate and go off to do great things, but when I looked at myself I never felt any of that. Never felt like I could do anything great or successful. I often try to stop and think "what will make me truly and sincerely happy". The past few months when I've asked myself that the only things that come to mind are "I want to have a child" and "I want Jeremy to propose to me so we can get married". Nothing about jobs, nothing about schools.
Is it sad that my ultimate dream in life is to get married, be a great wife and take care of my husband, have four children and take care of them so I can also be a great mother?
I wish I had more ambition and more self-esteem. I wish I could spend most of my time thinking "I can" instead of "I can't". It would make things so much easier if more things in my life were certain instead of uncertain.
I don't think it's sad at all to want to have a family of your own to love and care for. It's ultimately probably the most important thing in our short lives. On the other hand, I don't think that means that you should feel as though you don't have the ability to do other things, just because you are going to be the most kickass wife/mother I can imagine.
ReplyDeleteJobs are jobs, so it doesn't seem unnatural that they wouldn't come to mind when considering true happiness. Most of the time, I think they just pay the bills. Of course, since one spends most of the week at one's job, it's important to have one that doesn't make you miserable - so I'm glad you didn't stay at that one you hated.
That being said, it might be worth considering your priorities. If you want to make money, it might be worth checking out jobs like waitressing, retail, administrative, etc. They will always come in handy, you see new and different people every day, and it might even be fun (and hey you can get discounts ;)). I have friends who worked at Uniqlo and karaoke bars and restaurants and I don't regret my Papa John's job; unglamorous as it was, it paid for London. You could save up for school, a vacation, a sexy dress - even the little things, I find, can be major self-confidence boosters. Just knowing that you CAN do it, like in that Destiny's Child song lol..."the rock I'm rockin', I bought it, I depend on me" (sorry...love that song) If money is less important than job satisfaction, you could consider volunteer work. No experience there, but it will help your resume, give you useful skills in your field, perhaps, connections, and personal satisfaction. I think it could also help with self-esteem. You know we all love you and believe in your strength, ability, and potential, so I think it comes down to your own faith in yourself, and if you gave it a shot and saw how many amazing things you can accomplish, there would be no doubting that.
I hope this long-winded comment is somewhat useful or inspiring and that you understand how sincerely I mean all this. XOXO
I would looooove family life. My mom actually always wanted 4 daughters (she was one of 4, her mom was one of 4), now she's mom to 3 kids and totally happy in life. She's incidentally also never had a job. In her life. Yet is a trained audiologist with all the degrees. I think that its hard to know what we will want in life until we have it or feel like we've missed it. But I think you have good goals. As for future careers I think that you really can be anything and it's just a matter now of deciding what you want. Think of it as a blessing that if you need to train for nursing/teaching that now is a time in your life that is most convenient for that purpose. And we can be penpals!
ReplyDeleteI don't think its sad that your goal is to be a wife and mom. It bums me out, however, that you are not at peace with that decision. In the overachiever's breeding ground that is WWP it might be hard to keep from constantly comparing yourself with your peers. But, that being said, I'm sure that's not all that's getting you down. When I was still job-hunting a few months ago, and things weren't going like I thought they would, I was definitely tempted to say, "Fuck all this. Kamraan graduates from med school in a few months." But then I realized that I wouldn't be happy being Kamraan's wife and not having a career of my own right now. Maybe later on...but not now.
ReplyDeleteMy best guess says that this general discontent you're feeling in your life is rooted in your own mind. You've got nothing to do right now, no challenges to encounter, so your mind just goes ahead and wanders into these horrible, self-hating places. Your imagination is kind of your worst enemy.
Having said that, I would suggest doing ANYTHING productive to get out of the house. There's no question that jobs are not easy to come by right now, so more likely than not, you're gonna end up feeling like you settled for something. However, anything is better than being at home hating yourself. Besides, it seems like you're still trying to sort out what you want out of your life. It's okay to take a job for the paycheck right now, and not put so much pressure on finding a career-track job for a career you're not even sure you want. Think of it this way: you've already tried the not-having-a-job thing, and you're not happy with it either (at least not right now). At the very least, I think you would benefit from the the change of scene and/or routine and the new perspective that that would bring.
Also I'm pretty sure we haven't hung out in forever, so let's make some plans!
i know this is random as i've never acknowledged this blog before but in stalking tracy i've stumbled upon your post and my three other friends' novels and i couldn't help but input the fact that: yes, it's obvious when we're down and undecided about life we should just clear our heads and rationally think of what's best, then go forth and do what we've thought of immediately and flamboyantly. but in reality some of us, sometimes, just don't want to think about it right now, and/or need a little while, or a distraction to clear our heads. are you into celeb gossip? i think you secretly are (we all are). i got into it last year when i got into an indecision binge, i started with perezhilton.com, but eventually, longed for more depth and more frequent updates, so i moved on to gawker.com and jezebel.com. for now i suggest my newest internet crush: mediatakeout.com. if you're feeling down this will lift you right the heck up with its incessant over enthusiasm and general sassy blackness.
ReplyDeleteanywho, take care =D
lindsay! i just read this post and i just wanted to 100% ditto what tracy said in her comment. :)
ReplyDeletepart-time jobs will help to "get by", and volunteering will get you some relevant experience. either way, it'll show that this terrible economy can't get you down. and listen to destiny's child.. they always make me feel like i can conquer the world on a cloudy day. =) hehe love you!!