Blame it on the weatherman

The weather has been insane lately. It has caused me to look like a fool wearing sweaters, scarves and winter boots on 70+ degree days and sandals and no jacket on the coldest of days. The weather seems to be reflective of my life at the moment. As soon as I'm prepared for one thing, another completely different situation is thrown at me instead. Everyone reminds me that life is full of hurdles and it's just a matter of getting over them and finally reaching the finish line (your goal). I never liked useless metaphors to explain life lessons, and that one in particular is not very reassuring since I know that hurdlers need not actually CLEAR the hurdles in order to finish the race (i.e. HS crush). So where does that leave me? Confused, uncertain, feeling hopeless.

Fortunately for me, I can look to the examples of my friends who have also been throw more than their own fair share of hurdles and have not only finished the race, but won the gold (okay, so much for hating metaphors...jeez I'm a hypocrite). In other words, they've had to fight hard to get to where they are today. My mom used to tell me that when she was in Medical school she didn't do very well the first year or so and thought to herself when she received her first less-than-average grades, staring at the A's and B's of the classmates around her, "what do they have that I don't?" and "What can I do to be as great as them?". I'm trying to change my way of thinking and trying to gain the capability of thinking more, dare I say it, like my mother. I need to stop coming from a tough situation feeling hopeless and instead accept it, learn from it and gear that frustration into hope and motivation. I need more determination and self-confidence. I stare at my friends all of the time with envy filling my eyes and admiration filling my heart, and though this is great and showing of my genuine friendship with these individuals, it gets me nowhere to simply be a spectator and not try to be part of them. Part of the group that can say "success" and feel accomplished.

Additionally, I've complained recently about how much I hate feeling judged by others. I think all of my aggression and dislike towards judging is because I am my hardest critic. It's hard to convince others that you are an amazing person when you don't believe it...it really just ends up making you feel like the fakest person ever. I'm attempting to change that by learning to love myself more - of course not to the point of Narcissism, but at least to a point where I can honestly believe, "hey, I'm a great person with a good heart that can do great things". Once I can believe that, I think the rest of the people around me can start to really believe it too.

I'm working on improving myself in many ways and hoping that the end result will be not only good, but GREAT.

Scrumdiddlyumptious

My throat is still sore and I'm still congested and coughing, but hopefully the meds I take tonight will help me feel better enough for tomorrow's anniversary festivities! I'm really excited. :)

In the style of Tracy's blog, I just made a delicious dinner for me and my parents and am super full!

Tonight's dinner: Whole wheat tortillas, sautéed bell peppers & onions & chicken, garlic, sharp cheddar cheese = quesadillas.

YUM!

The best part of me was always you

In less than 4 days Jeremy and I will be celebrating another year together. I am super excited for Friday's festivities, but am even more grateful for him, his love, his patience, and our relationship. On Friday we will have been a couple for 5 years. :)

Blood is thicker than water

Family. I love my family. I have the best cousins in the world. I don't think there are many people besides them that can make me truly and sincerely happy. My last few blog entries have been bitter/rambling, so I'll keep this one short and semi-sweet. Their words of encouragement, hours of laughter and big hugs always brighten my day.

My second attempt at the GRE is in less than a month. I'm pretty terrified, but hoping this studying will pay off.

I had a few other things to write about, but my writing these days is atrocious and I just visited my best friend's website and was, as usual, taken aback by how talented she really is. I think she is up there with my favorite authors. So, instead of my viewers getting to enjoy another long boring Lindsay entry, why not visit tkawa.wordpress.com! I guarantee it will be worth it! *sigh* I only hope to be as talented and wonderful as my three best friends some day. I love them.

When You Were Young

It's really annoying when people are hypocrites. I'm included in that population, but I've been really pissed off lately when people say one thing and do another. For instance when others lecture you about how controlling one group of people are and then are blind to the fact that they're doing exactly the same thing - telling you how to run your life. If they realized this then the better thing to do would be to ask you things like, "are you happy?" and "what do you want to do?", instead of having to talk down to you and give you their two cents about what they think you need the most. It would really be nice to be able to be happy because you're okay with where you're at in life and don't need to have the approval of everyone around you. It also makes me wonder how I'd be treated once I become a mom and decide I'd want to stay home to raise my kids. I feel bad for housewives, househusbands, stay at home moms and dads in general, because society often puts a person's value on how many zeroes are at the end of their paycheck and not on personal happiness and fulfillment. I don't think there's any job more challenging, time consuming, enjoyable and fulfilling than that of a mother/father. Well, here's another long journal entry ranting and probably not making any sense, so I'll end here. I've got tons of things to do anyway - more job apps, GRE studying, taking care of the sick boyfriend, etc...despite what other people may think, I really don't just sit around all day doing nothing...

And before anyone who reads this starts to wonder, "wait, wtf, is she talking about me?", don't worry, I am probably not.

You and Me, We got this great thing

In a couple weeks Jeremy and I will have officially been a couple for 5 years. It's pretty amazing. I never thought it was possible for someone to stay with the same person for 5 years only to find that they're still falling deeper in love on a day to day basis. I've never had such strong feelings towards anyone like this before. Sure our relationship isn't perfect, but nothing in life is. If anything, being with Jeremy has taught me many great things - the importance of patience, the value of trust, the simplicity of how a smile, touch or kiss can suddenly erase all the cares in the world, the comforting ways of knowing you can confide in your significant other and never be judged. Being a half of a couple has also challenged me to learn to also put someone else's interests equal to, if not ahead of your own at times. I think one of the most interesting parts of being a couple is being able to maintain the characteristics, likes and dislikes that still make us our own individual selves, yet sharing new characteristics, likes and dislikes that are strictly "us". I don't really know if this entry makes sense (considering it's 2:54am and I'm probably not wording this correctly), but bottom line is that I'm so in love.

I'm like many girls that grew up watching Disney movies and reading fairytales that implanted "unrealistic" expectations into our minds about the way romance happens. We had often found ourselves waiting aimlessly for Prince Charming or Mr. Right to come on their white stallions to come and sweep us off our feet. We lose perspective of reality and set ourselves up for disappointment...or at least that's how we analyze our situations come our first heartbreak. But true romance is feeling all these scary, amazing and exciting feelings towards one person and knowing that they feel exactly the same way about you. True romance does not have to consist of prince charmings, fancy dinners, extravagant vacations and diamonds (well, maybe diamonds are necessary :P); Instead it can be the love you feel and are so certain of when you just had a fight all day and finally make up and he holds you in his arms and slow dances with you in the middle of his small room at 4am. It can be the love you feel and are so certain of when he plays in the snow with you and lets you draw a heart in the snow and agrees to lay down in the center of this enormous snow heart and risk freezing only to share a moment with you gazing up at the stars. It can be the love you feel when you're about to have a breakdown and he comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you and you suddenly forget what you were so worried about in the first place. It can be the love you feel when he thinks you are asleep and softly brushes a few strands of hair from your face and lightly kisses your forehead. It can be the love that you feel when he agrees to take a million and one pictures with you even though he's probably already blind from the camera flashes. It can be the love that you feel when he agrees to spend a weekend hanging out with you and your little cousins even though he has a ton of exams coming up the next week. It can be the love you feel when you have a great conversation that leaves you both laughing 'til your cheeks and stomachs hurt. It can be the love that you feel when you're apart and still smile when you think of one another. It can be the love you feel when he gets sick and it worries you so much that you do anything and everything to take care of him and nurse him back to good health because the mere thought of any harm happening to him breaks your heart. It can be the love you feel when you realize that those large extravagant, unique engagement proposals don't matter to you anymore and in their place an image of you both slow dancing to a meaningful love song in his dimly lit living room complete with science-related posters and him kissing you softly and getting down on one knee and reciting the few lines he's come up with ending with "be my wife", puts the most sincere and heartfelt smile across your face.

It's not officially 5 years yet, but one thing that is official - I know I found "my one" and though he may not be the perfect prince charming and he may not always be mr. right, he's mine and I'm his and what we have is definitely love.

"You and Me, We got this great thing".

Books

I've decided I need to expand my vocabulary and keep my brain from turning into mush. Thus, I am doing away with my usual romance novels that just enhance my longing for the perfect storybook romance and heighten my unrealistic expectation and replacing them with pieces of literature that I hope will enhance my intelligence and heighten my understanding of life instead. My current reads are the following:

- Paradise Lost by John Milton
- Zombie by Joyce Carol Oates
- Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond

In addition to these pieces, I'm also enjoying "Essential Words for the GRE"...

If I don't do well on this second attempt at this standardized test, I will be disappointed.

Anyone have any other suggestions of books I should add to my reading list?

Cranium, Taboo and Beers, oh my!

Jeremy's Birthday Party was a great success! I'm really happy it went well and everyone who came out seemed to enjoy it too. I'm REALLY happy that the food preparations went well and everything was cooked on time and ready to be eaten. The cake I made turned out great too. The new recipe for chocolate raspberry cookies were tasty, but I still think people prefer my usual chocolate chip ones, so I'll have to keep that in mind for future parties. I should open a catering business, I've gotten so good at planning these small get-togethers. Unfortunately, I have limited cash to start that so it probably wouldn't work out very well.

Oh well, at least this weekend turned out to be a great one! I'm feeling happy and thankful for Jeremy, great friends, friend's parents (and my parents) health, and NY Giants football 4-0 start!

Tomorrow is Jeremy's actual birthday, so I've got to start thinking of a gift for him and what restaurant to go to for dinner...any suggestions?

I'm also hoping this cold is over by Friday so I can party with the girls and have a voice for SingStar with Badrul & Tracy on Saturday...