"So shines a good deed in a weary world"

Based on the title, you should've guessed that this entry would be more positive than that of my last entry.

I'm feeling much better today. The best that I have in about a week actually! Yesterday I changed into PJs, made myself a nice big mug of hot cocoa, huddled under a warm blanket and enjoyed the Oscars. I actually enjoyed them a lot this year and loved Hugh Jackman hosting (not to mention the surprise performance of HSM3 stars Zac and Vanessa!) Plus I loved the appearance of several Slumdog Millionaire cast members! They were all adorable and I loved seeing how happy and appreciative they were of just being there - it was refreshing. So overall, my Sunday was relaxing and fun. I also realized that Ash Wednesday is in a couple of days and I am contemplating what I should give up...I always give up meats (meaning only eating Seafood), but Jeremy pointed out that I don't even really like meat that much so it's not much of a sacrifice. So I'm thinking I might give up sweets - aka something it is hard for me to live without. Any ideas?

Today I bought a couple of books - "Son of a Witch" by Gregory Mcguire (sequel to "Wicked") which should be a fun read, and "Collapse" by Jared Diamond (author of Guns, Germs, and Steel) which should be a good read since I've recently gotten interested in books tying together environment, humans and history eversince I read "Down to Earth".

In addition to some books to keep my occupied, I've also been applying to a few more jobs, and may be starting volunteer work in a few weeks.

Overall I am trying to take things one day at a time as to not overwhelm myself and am learning to allow myself to lean on others and open my heart to them as I try to get through some tough times. I think it's ridiculous that I was a Psych major and know that bottling up emotions only leads to negative outcomes, feelings of having the whole weight of the world on your shoulders, and stress, yet I still do it. I should really practice some of what I preach to others. And, I think one of the lessons I need to really learn is to start taking some time in the day to worry about myself and to work towards loving myself too. An interesting thought just popped into my mind - they say that you cannot fully love another person without fully loving yourself first, so if I'm this capable of loving my parents, Jeremy, FFFCUP, and friends around me - once I love myself completely, I'll be even THAT much more loving and caring!! :)

That's a good thought. Jeremy told me I seemed really positive and happy today and I have to agree with him, and I hope I can keep up this happy mood.

Uncertainties are a Killer

Today is president's day and a lot of people have a day off from work. Thus, I thought that I would have a lot of people to hang out with today, but apparently no one is available.

I am so bored out of my mind, it is ridiculous. I did some more job searching, yet nothing seems to interest me or get me motivated enough to apply. I know I should not be picky/choosy about jobs at this point but I really don't want to get stuck with another job that I will hate/want to quit asap/have to drag myself out of bed for every morning.

At this point I have no idea where I want my life to go and how the hell I'm supposed to get it there. Everything is so uncertain in my life right now and I hate, hate HATE uncertainty. I also feel like I've lost interest in so many things. I want to paint, but have no inspiration/ideas of what to paint. I received an amazing stationary set for my birthday with really cool pens, but sadly realized I have no one to write to. I want to go out for some coffee and to catch up/chat with a friend but have no friends available today. I want to go shopping since that used to always make me happy, but have nothing that I really need to buy and think it's best to save my money to pay my insurance bill instead. I want to go watch a movie but again, have no one to watch one with. I want to travel somewhere warm and exotic but have no money for that and no one to go with. I want to see Jeremy everyday, but he's busy with grad school and my parents make that difficult.

I feel like I have no potential for anything. I thought I could apply for nursing programs, but am doubting that I could do it. I thought I could apply for Teacher Certification programs, but am also doubting my ability for that. Years ago, back in HS, I could also look around at my circle of friends and see the great potential in all of them - know that they'd graduate and go off to do great things, but when I looked at myself I never felt any of that. Never felt like I could do anything great or successful. I often try to stop and think "what will make me truly and sincerely happy". The past few months when I've asked myself that the only things that come to mind are "I want to have a child" and "I want Jeremy to propose to me so we can get married". Nothing about jobs, nothing about schools.

Is it sad that my ultimate dream in life is to get married, be a great wife and take care of my husband, have four children and take care of them so I can also be a great mother?

I wish I had more ambition and more self-esteem. I wish I could spend most of my time thinking "I can" instead of "I can't". It would make things so much easier if more things in my life were certain instead of uncertain.