H is for Hypocrite

For the most part I find the actions and whines of girlfriends who blabber over missing their "sweetie pies" and "teddy bears" and "lovey doveys" to be overwhelmingly vomit-inducing. That said, I've realized in the past couple of days that I'm exhibiting behavior similar to these girlfriends I normally despise.

Jeremy left for Germany on Wednesday, and by Wednesday night I was already missing him. Sure there have been spans of time longer than the duration of this trip, where we are apart from one another. Sure he has had the privilege and honor of multiple city trips to share his knowledge, research and talent with others. So I was left Wednesday evening post-first grad class of the semester, feeling sad and confused. Sad because I missed my boyfriend, and confused because I never realized how much someone could miss another person so much. I'll try to keep more of my gushy vomit-inducing and sentimental thoughts for my private written journal (which I've had an increased use of), but just a few things I wanted to say after having analyzed myself and my feelings (damn the excessive self-reflection skills I've been learning in my program!):

1. It's not the duration of the trip that is bothering me, but rather the distance. We've been in different time zones before, so I still don't know why I'm so bothered by it, but I am.

2. I hate to admit that part of me is dependent (not to be confused with that obnoxious gf attitude of "omg i'm going to die without you" deal) on him to complete my day. When you're so used to even just being able to talk to and interact with a person on a daily basis, when that interaction becomes scarce or limited it really does affect you.

3. I'm so used to figuring out my schedules and plans to clear up some free time to hang out with him that it feels strange when I finally do have that vacant time from obligations and don't find myself being able to drive over to his apartment.

So I'm probably just over thinking this whole thing and am probably also stressed out with the semester having started this week. Basically, I miss my boyfriend, felt really sad about it, whined to myself about it, got annoyed at myself for whining about it, neared vomiting from realizing I was turning into a hypocrite, reassured myself that Jeremy is returning in a couple days anyway, and decided I had no other interesting problems, thoughts or concerns at the moment of which to update my blog. Pathetic? Maybe. Sincere and honest? Definitely.

Is it Sunday yet?

Failing to Succeed

Second to the feeling of loneliness is that of failure. Failure is never easy to accept, yet there is a difference between failing after putting no effort into the attempt towards success versus failing after giving your all. Individuals define their personal failures differently though, so what one person might consider "failing" in a given situation, another may view as having tried their best yet not reaching the highest level of success. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but bottom line is that I hate putting all of my efforts towards achieving a goal and still feeling like I haven't succeeded in reaching that goal completely.

That being said, I really need to find a new diet plan and workout plan. The whole day of being stuck indoors post snack-shopping in preparation of Irene with Charu, did not help. I also messed up my knees pushing myself too hard with Insanity a couple months ago (which caused me to stop my exercise routine for about 2 - 3 weeks to heal them), and need some other way to stay on track with my weight loss goals. I wonder how much it costs to get a personal trainer at the local gym...

I guess one thing that I have been far from failing at by any definition, is graduate school. I can't believe Fall semester starts on the 7th, and definitely did not realize until this morning that that's next Wednesday. I still need to buy books.

One last thought going back to the workout routines - at the moment I'm just making sure I run 30 - 45 minutes a day and am getting tired of the same songs, so any workout song suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hope all of my friends that were in the path of Hurricane Irene are safe!