Green with E.N.V.Y

It is almost 2am and I should really be sleeping. Unfortunately, I awoke from my slumber and am having trouble resuming sleep...

Probable cause: A combination of waking up alone from a dream where I was hugging Jeremy, nasal congestion reminding me that the trees & flowers are in full bloom & E.N.V.Y - not just plain ENVY, but feelings of envy toward specific items/events others have & I don't.

Simple breakdown:
Engagement. Relating back to my previous entry, it just seems like handfuls of people are committing to their significant others, and I often end up wondering when it will be my turn. Given, these things take time & there's really no need to rush into it, yet I often find myself comparing my relationship to these newly engaged couples' and though time is not always a factor, it's hard to think that a relationship of less than a year can move into this next step faster than one nearing 6 years.

Newborns. A few friends & family friends are due or have delivered their newborns. Little babies & small children are probably on my list of things that make me truly happy. I find myself wanting children of my own more and more everyday, yet a new feeling of doubt has been growing. So many people around me are raising their children wonderfully and responsibly, and I've been doubting that I could ever be that capable of shaping & supporting another human, for lack of a better term, from scratch.

Vacation. Returning from my glorious FFFCUP in the west trip & reliving all of its great moments via snapfish & facebook albums, it's safe to say I'm going through vacation withdrawal. Now I often find myself daydreaming of what fun places FFFCUP, Jeremy & me, or my family, can venture to next. Others however, are going to all of these destinations I'm left dreaming of, and returning with their fair share of photos to exhibit via facebook.

Youth. Spending so much time with toddlers & younger cousins of mine have often left me feeling nostalgic. I love memories & reminiscing and sometimes wish I could stop my little cousins from aging and forget that some are in college now, or that some are starting high school soon, or that some are in serious relationships now, and just go back to the days when we were all young and carefree & the biggest concern was who got to be player 1 on the Nintendo game and which flavor icepop to choose. Sometimes I wish I were young again...


I seem to write better when I'm half-awake...

I've started wearing GREEN a lot lately, but envy is not a shade I enjoy.