Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...

So along with the new year I've decided to create a new blog. Now that everyone has a gmail account, I figured it'd be easier to use this blogger rather than my livejournal. No one ever read that anyway (though if you're interested, you're more than welcome to visit it - starry_knight08.livejournal.com), then again who's to say anyone will ever read this...

Anyway, so much has happened in my life these past few months. It's been a whirlwind of good and bad things really. The good things being having graduated from college, traveling to Mexico with my three best friends, vacationing with Jeremy, spending more time with my best friends, and reading many books. The bad being I am still jobless after a few months of unsuccessful searching. I'm trying to keep my head and hopes up - afterall, many people tell me it takes the average person 4 - 5 months to find a job and many recent grads don't hold their first jobs for very long. In that case, I should be getting a job sometime in the near future. All the stress and worry surrounding the uncertainty of my future has taken a toll on me in many ways...

My self-esteem took a real hit (which isn't good since it's always been fairly low to begin with). It's difficult to put yourself completely out there and give so much of yourself in each job app and interview that you get and get calls saying you were not chosen, or even worse - no callback at all. There are only so many of those one can take before it gets to you. The number of unsuccessful attempts of job searching left me feeling inadequate, dumb and hopeless. I developed insomnia where I would stay up 'til 5, 6, or 7am and wake up at absurdly early hours - often 7 or 8am and would go on functioning throughout the day on a mere 3 hours (max) of sleep. Recently my insomnia hasn't been as bad (though it is 5:30am and I'm writing this since I can't fall asleep and am coughing a lot due to this unknown cold/flu/throat infection/allergies) and I have been getting a handful of good nights of sleep.

The job search being up in the air also leaves other aspects of my life to be uncertain as well. I find myself questioning a lot of things I thought of as "solid" in the past. Relationships with friends and loved ones seem harder to maintain, take me more effort, rejection affecting me much more than before. I found myself pushing away those that I needed the most and feeling that I deserved to just be sad alone and miserable by myself.

With all of this building up I was bound for a breakdown - which happened a few times between September and December. With those breakdowns, I'd have to take a step back and think of things in a bigger picture, remind myself of my ultimate goals, refresh my memory of what activities and things I enjoyed, basically try to find the answer to What makes me genuinely happy?

It is said that when you've reached the bottom there's only one way to go and that's up. I really believe that. I took a long break from job hunting from the second week of December through this past weekend to simply relax and let my self-esteem heal a little bit. In that time I have realized what it is that makes me happy - genuinely happy (this might be long):
- Jeremy because he is a constant support and for never losing faith in me and being able to believe in me even when I don't, and he shows me the meaning of real love.
-FFFCUP because no one could ask for a better group of friends that constantly show love and support regardless of how far away we are from one another and can make me laugh all the time 'til my cheeks hurt.
-my parents, my cousins, my family because they inspire me to be the best that I can be and show me that the key to life is to laugh and be joyful, as well as treating others with kindness.
-my Rutgers friends (Engineers, 1015 loves, Psych majors, Douglass Girls) because they are really the most intelligent and intellectual group of people who I can have drama free times with and who have really made College 4 of the best years of my life - so much that I miss it more every time I look at old pics, and who I know will remain life-long friends to me.
-my WWPers because they are all off doing amazing and wonderful things to change the world and will always be like family to me, and have made me love them more knowing that no matter how long we've been apart not much changes when we all hang out again.
-painting because it relaxes me and makes me reminisce of art classes in middle school & high school and it's one of the things I'm actually naturally good at, or atleast I think I am...
- reading because I can leave my current situation and immerse myself in the lives of other characters in far off places and interesting situations.
- hugs because they are physical proof someone is there for me.
-blogging/journaling, basically writing out my feelings because I can look back on this in the past and hopefully be able to see how far I've come and how much I've grown.
-snail mail because they seem much more personal than emails or ecards or anything electronic because someone took the time to write, mail and send something.

All of these things make me really happy, and the list is (hopefully) still growing as I work my way towards a better, kinder and happier me. 2008 was a happy, tough, challenging and awesome year and I'm just hoping 2009 is even better...