Fortunately for me, I can look to the examples of my friends who have also been throw more than their own fair share of hurdles and have not only finished the race, but won the gold (okay, so much for hating metaphors...jeez I'm a hypocrite). In other words, they've had to fight hard to get to where they are today. My mom used to tell me that when she was in Medical school she didn't do very well the first year or so and thought to herself when she received her first less-than-average grades, staring at the A's and B's of the classmates around her, "what do they have that I don't?" and "What can I do to be as great as them?". I'm trying to change my way of thinking and trying to gain the capability of thinking more, dare I say it, like my mother. I need to stop coming from a tough situation feeling hopeless and instead accept it, learn from it and gear that frustration into hope and motivation. I need more determination and self-confidence. I stare at my friends all of the time with envy filling my eyes and admiration filling my heart, and though this is great and showing of my genuine friendship with these individuals, it gets me nowhere to simply be a spectator and not try to be part of them. Part of the group that can say "success" and feel accomplished.
Additionally, I've complained recently about how much I hate feeling judged by others. I think all of my aggression and dislike towards judging is because I am my hardest critic. It's hard to convince others that you are an amazing person when you don't believe it...it really just ends up making you feel like the fakest person ever. I'm attempting to change that by learning to love myself more - of course not to the point of Narcissism, but at least to a point where I can honestly believe, "hey, I'm a great person with a good heart that can do great things". Once I can believe that, I think the rest of the people around me can start to really believe it too.
I'm working on improving myself in many ways and hoping that the end result will be not only good, but GREAT.
